I need to change my ways.
We’ve all wished that the person loudly chomping their chips would think this.
That they’d suddenly hear themselves — the crunching sound of an avalanche, demolishing every single chip with ferocity. The smacking gnaw as they prepare for another handful.
And another.
Until you wonder, How big is this bag??
At this point, you’re acquainted with the disturbance, it still penetrates your concentration, yet you notice the bites are losing their crunch; now there’s more of a slosh and chew sound…
They’re almost done!
Don’t get your hopes up, there could always be a second bag.
If you had the chips, how would you attempt to silently snack?
Would you open wide and place an entire chip into your mouth?
Well, then it sounds like you practice the cave trick; these key elements must be remembered when performing this maneuver.
First and foremost, do not devour the chip as soon as the cave has shut. If you start noisily munching as loud as the first person, you have now become the problem.
Instead, after closing your mouth fully around the chip, carefully apply gradual pressure with your tongue and teeth. The chip should now break with less of a forceful CRUNCH and more of a light crack. From here, the decibel output should be manageable.
Another technique to practice is the nibble. Although easy and rudimentary, the nibble is also the most time consuming (and arguably looks the silliest).
You guessed it, the idea is to nibble on your chip like a bunny eating celery.
Yes, the thought of a coworker holding one chip with two hands, busily taking tiny pinching bites is entertaining, but I’d be damned if it doesn’t get results.
You think you’re sneaky?
Maybe you wanna place several chips in your mouth — wait for the right moment — and… *FAKE COUGH* CRUNCH CRUNCH *FAKE COUGH*.
Looking around, you clear your throat with a swallow and real cough, peering left and right to see if you were sufficiently quiet.
Or have you come prepared?
Maybe you’ve already crushed your chips into a powder-like consistency; this procedure — albeit unorthodox — has demonstrated tremendous success.
Whatever you do, don’t try the soggy chip method — it’s egregious.
Another practice that’s frowned upon: the slam. If you ate your entire bag in record time, you likely caused a bigger distraction than just eating them normally.
But the absolute most important thing to consider: they’re just chips.
Never let another person’s chip consumption eat away at your peace of mind.
Maybe that’s what the chip eater is thinking.